i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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