why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
