so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
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Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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