I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am one with the molecules
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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