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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was confusing and full of hummus
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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