She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
