My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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