just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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