She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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