I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
