you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
