Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
