I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
