My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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