He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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