she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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