Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
