took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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