I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
