I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
