just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
