I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
