ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
