your parents love me but you hate me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
