There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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