I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
