Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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