FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
