sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
