The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
