Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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