dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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