Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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