I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
