after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
