how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
