Kiss
Puke
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
