I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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