I can text with my tongue
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
