You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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