Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
