The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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