I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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