I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
