it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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