A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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