You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
