I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
