I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
