All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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