Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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