remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we made out on top of his cat.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
