I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
