Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize