my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
