i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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