I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
