two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
