The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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