dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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