wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
