Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
